me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Legend 🤣🤣
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Feels
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
The little toadstool has spoken.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator