I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip