Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy