Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
You Might Also Like
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Care for your back
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”