Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
this country is so goddamn polarized
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her