Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
You Might Also Like
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
when you are just born a rebel
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.