I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Incredible customer service.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
U talkin 2 me?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
why I oughta
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied