It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
🤣
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.