“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
You Might Also Like
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Today’s Times
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.