Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.