If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
A drum solo but on your face.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably