There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”