To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
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If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I love it all
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Everything reminds me of my ex