Horrifying if literal: arm candy
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I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)