I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.