[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Found my door mat
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.