I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
A choir of Spring onions
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor