WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Get in loser we’re going crying
He took my last fry, your honor
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
kitchen magnet
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
How actors in movies eat their food