*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it