You Might Also Like
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Rather alarming headline…
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?