I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!