Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Need this in my life lol
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
yes, those are my real potatoes.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy