The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.