World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.