I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
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THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!