I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.