And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊