Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger