The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
You Might Also Like
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?