BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
this will hang in the louvre one day
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.