I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
PARKOUR
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Van Gone
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island