[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me when my alarm goes off
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Pretty much! 😂👀
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.