We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon