Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
You Might Also Like
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks