I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
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If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey