What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Strangers have the best candy.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know