Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
And that about sums it up.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.