Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
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I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].