Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*