If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
🤭😂
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”