The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
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It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?