Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
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This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.