It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
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‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
he chose this
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus