Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?