Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.