i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”