Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
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The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
mom had nothing to worry about
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.