Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious