Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
this is the greatest thing ever
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
i dont have time for this
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
umm…