16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
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Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t